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New Orleans may not be in Mexico, but it's certainly a third- world country--a law unto itself, a place with drive-in daiquiri stands and a curious custom of disrobing for cheap plastic beads. (Though this is the custom, I hasten to add, not of the natives, but of visitors, who appear to take leave of their senses once they arrive--present company excepted, of course.)

You may not lose your shirt (literally), but you will be here, and you'll want to know what the locals think is worth doing. Or you may have been here, and you'll want to tell your story--if this is the case, please share it with us.

Meanwhile, what to do?

My Top Twenty Big Easy Entertainments

1. Hate to be obvious, but if you don't do another thing, take a self-guided walking tour of the French Quarter. This is the single most rewarding thing you can do in the city. Special point of interest: Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop at Bourbon and St. Philip. It's one of the oldest buildings in the city and has sentimental meaning for me--my fictional detective Skip Langdon lives in this block of St. Philip. Amazing looking place. Beverages served.

2. Let's get coffee and beignets out of the way. Go to Cafe du Monde (Decatur and St. Ann) and get your second wind.

3. Afterward, get someone to point you to the old French Market and prowl what's now a flea market. Good fun, and sometimes draws interesting craftsmen and jewelers.

4. Ride the St. Charles streetcar clear to the end and back. There's no cheaper, better, more convenient way to see what gracious Southern living looks like these days; Tulane's on the tour too. And if you're a "Real World" fan, catch a glimpse of the Belfort Mansion between Third and Fourth Streets (618 St. Charles).

5. Peruse the local papers for house or garden tours in the French Quarter or Garden District--a fantastic way to see what's behind the gorgeous facades. I live here and I do this. Problem is, there are only five or six a year--but you might get lucky. If you do, drop everything else and do this instead.

6. Swamp tour (but only if it's warm--in winter, the gators hibernate.)

7. Have a Pimm's Cup at the Napoleon House (Chartres and St. Louis). A great relaxer at the end of the day.

8. If the weather's good, hit at least one restaurant with a fabulous courtyard--the Napoleon house is ideal for this. Also Bayona and Marisol.

9. Go see a plantation--either by car, or tour. Oak Alley's popular--this is where INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE was filmed.

10. Get a reading in Jackson Square or at the Voodoo Museum. This small museum is a favorite of mine--if traveling with teen-agers, it's a must. For some reason, they love it. One block away, in the 600 block of Dumaine Street, is another mini-museum, Madame John's Legacy, which has an interesting collection of outsider art, but, more important, it's a fine restoration of a very old building. Great prices at the antique store next door-- Framboyan, whose affable owner, Kip Michael, used to be my next door neighbor. Tell him Julie sent you.

11. Depending on your proclivities, take a cemetery or literary-interest walking tour. Rob Florence's Historic New Orleans Walking Tours 977-2120, is best for exploring the cemeteries. For literary points of interest, Kenneth Holditch, a retired professor and brilliant raconteur single- handedly runs Heritage Tours, 949-9805. Extremely personal service--I'm always seeing Kenneth out with just one or two people. By appointment.

12. Go shopping on Magazine Street.

13. Spend time at the river. You could take a muffaletta from the Central Grocery at 935 Decatur and have a picnic on a park bench. (Make that half a muffaletta--don't attempt a whole one.)

14. Take the ferry (on foot, by all means, though you can take your car) to Algiers Point. This is free and the journey itself takes only six minutes. In Algiers, you can get off and walk around, go to Mardi Gras World (where the floats are made), or eat at a local joint--or you can just take the next ferry back. The point is to experience the river, which is one of the best things about New Orleans. If you do opt to stretch your legs, you'll see something very different from the French Quarter--a quiet, old-fashioned village that could be a million miles out in the country. (This is the home of Talba's boy friend in LOUISIANA HOTSHOT, and quite worth seeing.)

15. Just to say you've done it, walk through the casino. It's big, it's noisy, it's obnoxious, but I guess it has to be seen. Getting this thing built took years. During that process I wrote HOUSE OF BLUES, which predicted that it would do a lot better than it's actually doing. It actually lost money for awhile.

16. Catch some music. For traditional jazz, Fritzel's on Bourbon Street is good; Donna's, 800 N. Rampart, and the Funky Butt, 714 N. Rampart, are fabulous but the neighborhood's dicey (safe by taxi, though). Preservation Hall, 726 St. Peter, is a treasure, but crowded.

17. Check out a late night scene. If over 35, try the Bombay Club, 830 Conti. Under 35, go to Cafe Brasil, 2100 Chartres St; in fact go there in any case. Also for any age--see if there's a late show at Le Chat Noir, 715 St. Charles Ave., the current hot spot for cabaret.

18. Stroll through Pirate's Alley and stop at Faulkner house Books. Not only a wonderful collection of Southern literature and a one-time residence of the great man himself, but also the home of the Pirates Alley Faulkner Society. Next door, there's a lovely cafe where you can sit outside and admire St. Anthony's Garden, Faulkner's view when he lived here.

19. A choice here:

       A. Either go back to the Garden District and walk around, noting the former Anne Rice house at 1239 First St. (Ms. Rice now lives in La Jolla) and trying to figure out which stately manse belongs to Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, or take a guided tour of the area

        B. If art lovers are in the group: Take a taxi to City Park, see the New Orleans Museum of Art, and walk around its new sculpture garden. (Though maybe not in the dead of July or August--instead chose the Ogden Museum of Southern Art, 925 Camp St., which is in the Arts District, home to many galleries you may wish to visit.)
        C. Visit the Mardi Gras Museum at the Cabildo on Jackson Square. A whole museum devoted to Mardi Gras, kids love this one too.
       D. If history buffs are on the trip, the D-Day Museum, 945 Magazine St., is a must.

20. Special interest: If you're a poet and here on a Thursday night, go to the poetry slam at the Dragon's Den, upstairs from Siam Restaurant on Esplanade. Or any of the new readings springing up around town. The one at Sweet Lorraine's includes jazz. Click here for listings.

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